4.28.2004
I'm squinting my eyes and staring future straight in the face, and the fucker is staring right back at me!!
and while I dilate my pupils and grind my teeth and paint my war face on, in the back of my head I'm thinking of the two choices I have. one to bow down and give in once more and take the easy and safe route out and sleep walk through another 5 years waiting til tomorrow to see what happens, or to take a leap of faith and jump in with both feet and tap into a malnourished and unexplored part of me with all its potentials. potentials that very well might not be there at all! The later makes me shiver with excitement and quiver with fear. On a good day the scale tips toward the enthusiasm I feel but on other days the amount of anxiety is crushing.
I saw this film last week about a couple of mountaineers that ran into serious life threatening problems while descending a difficult peak in Peru. 'touching the void' it was called. at one point one of them said something like 'I knew at that point that I had to make a decision and it didn't matter if it was right or wrong. I knew it would've been the end of me if I just sat there and did nothing'.
The more I swirl around in the nugget it becomes more clear that there is no turning back once a person, due to whatever circumstance, starts to really believe in themselves (not that I'm even close!). but turning back at that point would literally be the end of it, or at least some part of us that has everything to do with being a human will shrivel and die.
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and while I dilate my pupils and grind my teeth and paint my war face on, in the back of my head I'm thinking of the two choices I have. one to bow down and give in once more and take the easy and safe route out and sleep walk through another 5 years waiting til tomorrow to see what happens, or to take a leap of faith and jump in with both feet and tap into a malnourished and unexplored part of me with all its potentials. potentials that very well might not be there at all! The later makes me shiver with excitement and quiver with fear. On a good day the scale tips toward the enthusiasm I feel but on other days the amount of anxiety is crushing.
I saw this film last week about a couple of mountaineers that ran into serious life threatening problems while descending a difficult peak in Peru. 'touching the void' it was called. at one point one of them said something like 'I knew at that point that I had to make a decision and it didn't matter if it was right or wrong. I knew it would've been the end of me if I just sat there and did nothing'.
The more I swirl around in the nugget it becomes more clear that there is no turning back once a person, due to whatever circumstance, starts to really believe in themselves (not that I'm even close!). but turning back at that point would literally be the end of it, or at least some part of us that has everything to do with being a human will shrivel and die.
4.23.2004
manam mikhaam!!! :(
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4.20.2004
amazing how we sometimes feel the same regardless of our place on this planet!!
how can we ever think we are alone?!?!?
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how can we ever think we are alone?!?!?
4.16.2004
in this freaking country you can even do your taxes drive through....
it was 11:35 pm when I got done filing out the forms and a check to uncle sam, that would probably finance the war for a few seconds longer, and had 25 minutes to drive cross town to the only post office open late specifically for tax day. beat and tired with eyes half way open I zoomed by cars and taxi's, they hate that, up and down san francisco streets. its 11:52 and as I'm thinking there is no way I'll be able to find the place and drop off the envelopes on time, I see the post office building lit up like a night club, it was the most happening place in town. as an added service 6 or 7 people were standing on the curve collecting envelops from passing cars and dropping them in the appropriate mail cart. handed over the envelopes at 11:55 and ordered some fries. pardon my french but convenience up the wazoo.
this cant be good!!!
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it was 11:35 pm when I got done filing out the forms and a check to uncle sam, that would probably finance the war for a few seconds longer, and had 25 minutes to drive cross town to the only post office open late specifically for tax day. beat and tired with eyes half way open I zoomed by cars and taxi's, they hate that, up and down san francisco streets. its 11:52 and as I'm thinking there is no way I'll be able to find the place and drop off the envelopes on time, I see the post office building lit up like a night club, it was the most happening place in town. as an added service 6 or 7 people were standing on the curve collecting envelops from passing cars and dropping them in the appropriate mail cart. handed over the envelopes at 11:55 and ordered some fries. pardon my french but convenience up the wazoo.
this cant be good!!!
4.12.2004
after a tranquil weekend away in the woods it took me 2 seconds to step back into reality. here's an exchange in good spirit over lunch at the office :
co worker 1: did u decide on the 3 series?
co worker 2: no. I dont like the dash design.
c w 1: why dont you get the 5 series?
c w 2: I just need a commute car!! 5 series is too expensive.
me: why dont you get a tdi? (vw diesel engine, low gas consumption)
c w 2: no. its volkswagen. ha ha.
me: how about a hybrid? easy on your pocket and it pollutes less.
c w 1: not enough power!
me: what do u need power for? its a commute car.
c w 1: so is my car.
me: your car is a porsche 911!?!!?
c w 1: so? it gets me where I want to go.
me: so does a mule.
c w 1: but the mule takes a long time.
me: so is time the major factor?
c w 1: of course.
me: then a honda would probably get you to work in the same amount of time. actually the mule will probably do the same considering the morning traffic.
(come on, say it)
c w 1: neither the mule nor the honda can get from 0 to 60 in 5 seconds.
me: is it that important?
c w 1: sure.
me: why?
c w 1: it helps merging into the freeway.
me: how many stats have u seen on accidents from average cars merging into highways?
(say it)
c w 1: I'm sure its out there.
me: as oppose to people driving fast?
c w 1: probably not.
me: then it meets all your requirements. u can leave the porsche for the weekend.
c w 1: but I dont want to.
me: why not? it makes perfect sense.
c w 1: I just dont want to!!
(finally!!!)
its the harsh reality but excluding any catastrophic event or accident or uncontrollable circumstance delivered by the cruel hand of faith we pretty much deserve what we get!
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co worker 1: did u decide on the 3 series?
co worker 2: no. I dont like the dash design.
c w 1: why dont you get the 5 series?
c w 2: I just need a commute car!! 5 series is too expensive.
me: why dont you get a tdi? (vw diesel engine, low gas consumption)
c w 2: no. its volkswagen. ha ha.
me: how about a hybrid? easy on your pocket and it pollutes less.
c w 1: not enough power!
me: what do u need power for? its a commute car.
c w 1: so is my car.
me: your car is a porsche 911!?!!?
c w 1: so? it gets me where I want to go.
me: so does a mule.
c w 1: but the mule takes a long time.
me: so is time the major factor?
c w 1: of course.
me: then a honda would probably get you to work in the same amount of time. actually the mule will probably do the same considering the morning traffic.
(come on, say it)
c w 1: neither the mule nor the honda can get from 0 to 60 in 5 seconds.
me: is it that important?
c w 1: sure.
me: why?
c w 1: it helps merging into the freeway.
me: how many stats have u seen on accidents from average cars merging into highways?
(say it)
c w 1: I'm sure its out there.
me: as oppose to people driving fast?
c w 1: probably not.
me: then it meets all your requirements. u can leave the porsche for the weekend.
c w 1: but I dont want to.
me: why not? it makes perfect sense.
c w 1: I just dont want to!!
(finally!!!)
its the harsh reality but excluding any catastrophic event or accident or uncontrollable circumstance delivered by the cruel hand of faith we pretty much deserve what we get!
4.06.2004
working hard...
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4.01.2004
we have to accept that sometimes the people that should care about us the most simply dont give a shit!
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