its like standing in the rain for 10 minutes with your head tilted back
its like being in a crappy mood and taking a 1/2 hour nap
its like a good shave after a week
its like getting an email from an old dear friend u haven't spoken to in ages.
its like taking off a tight restricting sweater you had to wear all day
its like having a pee after beeing stock in the car for 8 hours
its like leaving work knowing you'll be on vacation tomorrow
its like a neck rub when all you crave is a warm hand.
its like finishing your meal and taking the first sip of a cold drink
its like confessing all your sins to someone you dont know
its like brushing your teeth the morning after
its like driving by the gas station every day and knowing you dont have to fill up as much as u used to.
its like the sound of the bell on the last day of school
its like classical music in an empty library
its like death after a full life
its like going to sleep knowing someone loves u.
its like stepping out of a sauna into a cold crisp winter night
its like telling your boss to fuck off
its like locking a look as the train goes by
its like driving in a truck with 7 other people for a week hacking your way through thick bush and thorn trees in 90 degrees humid weather with little water, passing by half naked children and poor villages along the way and rolling up the hill to a view of a white sandy beach edged by tranquil turquois blue waters that takes your breath away.
its like that.

I can’t really say I've endured extreme pain in my lifetime. Haven’t lost a limb in a war or my dear wife in a car crash! I've gone through the pains of an average life moving from one stage of life to the next: embarrassment of peeing in my pants in kindergarten, getting beat up by the local thug, losing friends, family remembers passing on, failures academically, professionally, personally and so on. Each just as important within that time period. Obviously pain is unavoidable, but as horrible as it is once it’s done and worked out, if possible, as a by-product it made me grow some. I think that’s what they mean by what doesn't kill us makes us stronger! The basic principle of a physical work out is to put strain on a specific muscle which would cause the tissue to break and upon recovery the fibers reconstruct bigger and stronger. Same applies to the muscle of the brain. I remember in school I could do multiplications of big number much faster than I can do now. And its not the age, I'm just not using that muscle as much as I used to. Use it or loose it! There is only one muscle in our body that won’t necessarily react like all others. That muscle is the heart. I'm kind of blurring the lines of physiology here but I think you know what I mean. I've seen too much pressure break it and once mended, it mends with a heavy protective shield around it. I've also seen too much pressure or pain cause it to grow in size and capacity. capacity for love or compassion or whatever else your heart desires. I imagine most people involved in direct humanitarian activities experience these extreme cases. ghandi and jesus probably could fit the entire world in there. I kept thinking why should this be? like all other muscles why shouldn't the heart get stronger, and I don’t mean stronger as to be protective which might not necessarily be a good thing when it comes to some 'matters of the heart!' the only difference I see is that my biceps, quad, hamstring, neck and back muscles, even my brain operate in a vacuum. direct strain on them makes them stronger because their functionality only applies to me. if I exercise them, they will grow, if I don’t, they won’t. my heart in contrast gets most of its strain from an outside source. a source that I have no control over. Be it the woman in my life or handing out food. The only thing I have control over is if to keep it open, or close it up!!

I've come to know people as two types. one group that make their own life and another that deal with the life they are given. neither are simple and straight forward and neither can be considered as good or bad. some are completely happy with one and not content with the other. some dont have any other choice. the opportunities are simply not there, or if they are, its extrememly difficult to get to. I dont have that problem.
I belong to the latter but feel the pull and need to move into the former. I want to roll the dice, I have to roll the dice. I'll shrivel up and die if I dont.
the irony is the only thing I need to do is step out of the way for it to happen!!

know then yourself, presume not God to scan
the proper study of mankind is man.

placed on this strip of land of a middle state
a being darkly wise and rudely great,

with too much knowledge for the sceptic side
with too much weakness for the stoic's pride,

he hangs between; in doubt to act or rest
in doubt to deem himself God or beast,

in doubt his mind or body to prefer
born but to die, and reasoning but to error,

alike in ignorance, his reason such
whether he thinks too little or too much,

chaos of thought and passion, all confused
still by himself abused, or disabused,

created half to rise and half to fall
great lord of all things, yet a prey to all,

sole judge of truth, in endless error hurled
the glory, jest, and riddle of the world!

ostaad A. Pope

so what of that?
how is it that we look at past, present and future as stand alone entities not related to each other? specifcaly when looking at our own lives. one of our greatest limitations has been the invention of the spoken word. in order to communicate we had to come up with a method of communication and yet the word's we choose pigeon hole or restrict what they are suppose to mean.
why is it that we take the short term outlook from present to near future to consider our actions and decisions? the things we do now will come to past and so will the future! the things we do now prepares us or shape our ability to deal with the unknown future.
Suppose all life, as we know it, could happen in a single instance. that from the big bang to the end of all things could be within a blink of an eye, and the only thing preventing that from happening is time. its like baking a cake. from the time we start gathering the required ingridients from the flour to eggs and milk we know the final product will be a cake. what we do from the time of preparation: how well we blend the flour and eggs, the temprature of the oven, how long we'll let the cake bake and so on will ultimately result in how golden brown and delicious or burnt and bitter the cake will be.
I dont know!!! somehow that passage popped a few brain cells and connected some dots. everything else is jibrish..

past is not dead, its not even the past.

somebody.

I'm getting used to it!!!!!!!!! Its becoming numbers, 1, 5, 23, 50.
there was a report of a bombing today with 47 immediate deaths. there was another one yesterday with 50 immediate deaths. but sometimes I dont know if its the same news from yesterday that is repeated because of its horrific number or its a new one? in this case the only thing distinguished it as being different was the number of immediate deaths, dont think 3 of the shredded bodies suddenly came back to life!!! but realy, reset, how should we feel about that? thats 50 people with wife's and 2 year old babies. I had a conversation with a retired air force pilot a while back and we talked about the war, specificaly the one in iraq. he was all for it. when I brought up the point of civilian deaths, he shrugged his shoulders. 'happens all the time' he said. 'all through out history'. Am I being too naive? is the idea of propesperity for all just simply not possible? is it a reality we all have to accept? or did he simply loose hope? are we all just a bunch of nagging children in the eyes of politicians that have a grand vision of how things should be and have accepted the human race as it is? is it power? does our perception of everything change once we have the power to push a button and wipe out half the planet?
have u ever done anything just because you knew that you could? forget about justifications. they are dime a dozen.

9:15 am: breakfast

1. single latte and a blueberry muffin please.
2. with sugar or diet?
1. with sugar
2. how u doing?
1. very good. I called in sick.
2. all my corporate friends called in sick yesterday.
1. I know. its so nice.
2. its suppose to be nicer tomorrow.
1. damn. took the wrong day to get sick.
2. I can see it in your face. u dont look good.
1. I feel a temperature also.
2. sorry have to give u ones.
1. thats fine. I'll pay a visit to the strip joint.
2. good way to spend your day off.
1. hate to be indoors. I wonder if there are any outdoor ones?
2. yeah, its called prostitution.
1. cant get much for a dollar!!
2. here you go.
1. thanks.

'end of transaction'

1:50 pm. lunch. conversation between 2 male friends at a close by table with a female that joined later.

1. is she the ditsy one?
2. no, she's actually pretty smart.
1. u just keep her around for the emergency bj?
2. yeah. haahaahaahhahha

enters the female friend

3. hey you guys
1. hey
2. hey
3. I know both of you!
1. what r u doing here?
3. I'm staying with a friend around the corner
3. u guys live around here, right?
3. oh my god you guys I was in jail for the 3 days. and got beat up by the cops.
1. cool!
2. what happened?
3. I was staying in a motel. one of the residential ones. we were totally drunk and arrived after 11 and there was a curfew so we ran up the stairs and locked ourselves in. the manager was pounding on the door and threaten to call the cops. I was so drunk I passed out and when I woke up the cops were there and they jumped on me. I have bruises all over the place.
2. damn
1. cool!!
3. ok. see you around.

she leaves

1. dude!!!
2. dude, her toes are so nasty
1. I know. she got the nastiest toes ever.

my lack of motivation at work is boring me to death. mostly due to office politics and incompetence of people around me and back stabbings and .... it's boring. anyway. started reading my blog for the past few days and couldn't help noticing how different the posts are from another. they’re all over the place. one talks about loneliness and the other about god and anger and frustration. the current me, sitting upright and properly at my desk with a clean shave and civilized manner can’t believe I actually wrote about my torn underwear or my testies. or how alone I felt when I read the news bit about the earthquake. I can't believe I mentioned having thoughts (just thoughts) about a married women!! jesus!!! this is not me. not the whole me at least.
this is the stuff of my inner core. the stuff that we all think but never say. Clearly the me sitting at home with my feet on the coffee table and the music in the background thinks differently than me sitting in the office.
so why write about it here? is it the anonymous status? probably not. I know a few friends that read this and I certainly don’t want them to know about the holes in my underwear!
what I came to realize is that we all live a dual life. one that is internal and honest and dark and bittersweet and conflicted and messy and dirty and complicated, and the other that is clean and shaped and managed and straight and polished and proper and acting as a functioning part of the society abiding by all its rules. its sometimes hard to separate the two though. Its like when you dress up, it feels different, more formal, but its still u. I always wanted to take the gun away from a gang member or seperate him from his gang and see what happens to his cocky attitude, but I cant because he'll shoot me. its like its the clothes or persona or confidence or arrogance that makes the man and that might not necessarily have anything to do with who the person really is. its like in the movie matrix. In the real world they were dirty and walked around with torn sweatshirts and were held down by gravity but in the matrix they were all spiff and snazzy in the latest fashion leaping tall buildings in a single bound. that is the difference between our inside and out.
I guess this is my inside!!
get used to stories about my torn underwear.

he says:
'ok!! I'm here now. make it quick, I'm busy. what do you want? you want me to stop all the suffering in the world? you want me to empower all humans to meet their full potential? you want me to give you enough resources to live a happy, healthy life? you want me to tell you the meaning of life? what do u want?' I was sitting in the dentist’s chair numb on novocain!!

so I leaped out of the chair, wrestled him to the ground, sat on his chest hitting him repeatedly in the face, and with a mixture of blood and saliva dripping out of my numb mouth screaming 'EEEAAA?!? NEIIAAA NEIIAAA VAEEE MEAEAA AAAOOA MEAAAIII??'
no wonder he doesn't come around any more. his timing sucks and he probably got his ass kicked a few times!!! I'm surprised moses didn't pour water on the burning bush to prevent a forest fire or mohammad didn't say 'buzz off, I came here to be alone'.

email is just a thing, like a blank sheet of paper or tv or book or magazine or this blog. it means nothing, it feels nothing. it cares not what you put into it or how you read it. doesn't care what happens once its job is done or what it should do afterwards. It could deliver the weight and height of your sisters new born or the death of a friend. To it, it makes no difference.

funny thing about time
it makes you forget the people you want to forget,
it also makes you forget the ones you dont.

I'm tired
I'm hungry
I have a headache
my eyes are burning
I'm worried
my hands are shaking from too much coffee
I have twenty different things on my mind
I cant concentrate
my speech is broken
I smell
and never felt more alive...

received this from a friend that traveled to iran for a break before the earth quake and volutneered for help once it happened. she want me to share it:


Chetori agha,

I got back from Bam yesterday. Everything you mentioned is true and some more. I can't even begin to tell you of the total and extent of destruction...it's is exactly las if a bomb has hit the area. All you see is miles and miles of streets/boulevards/avenues lined with beautiful dusty palm and cedar trees in front of loads and mountains of brick and destruction and mess. The quake was latteral, horizontal, diagonal and more...I am starting to believe the rumor that the gov has done and still is doing some clandestine nuclear testing. I was there for 10 days and stayed at a hotel that was 20 kilometers outside of the epicenter, and felt aftershocks EVERYNIGHT. I am not exaggerating. Luckily my room was on the first floor of a 2 story hotel and I could only hear a creepy roaring sound and then a sound of a blast. Those in other areas of the hotel would feel the tremor and the noise. It was unreal...how can there be so many aftershocks after almost 40 days of the quake. What shocks me further is that homes of thousands of poor and innocent were completely destroyed, but the hotel that belongs to Rafsanjani remains intact, with a few cracks here and there and generates $60 a night from foreingers and 24000tomans from Iranians. where is justice in this? It is just mind buggling. Aside from that, the current condition of people is disgustingly sad and hopeless. They live in wet, cold tents with min facilities. They are lucky to get expired rations of tuna can and stale bread. There are very very few toilets/showers installed and some zones have water and little sanitation. There are make- shift daycare centers and schools all over the place with very min supplies and children live in such harrowing situation. On top of it, most the lacal teachers that are alive are mentally disturbed from the quake and angry at the slow pace of gov in distributing the necessary stuff (tents, heaters, chairs, tables, paper, pencil, food etc..) The NGOs ( non-governmental agencies) from all over the world are bypassing the beuacracy and distributing what they have directly to people. Local gov are slow, corrupt and just non-functional. Some of them do want to help out in a pricipled way, but are blocked by those in power. All the meetings/conferences we went to with heads of ministries, was just about budgeting( what org gets what and how much etc) and getting them to cooperate with other orgs and getting them to become ORGANIZED, which was all fruiless.

Farzam, I experienced corruption and poverty very closely. A 13 year old girl had lost 13 members of her family and was left all alone with out any support. One woman hugged me hard and begged me to find her college son who was sent to Shiraz in a coma for treatment. She had not heard from him since the second day of the quake. She was being given the runaround by the organizations and was once told that some bodies were being sent to Bam for identification. In the airport, a little girl with a sad face and apparently injured soul and broken nuckles told us her mother, standing in the corner had become psychotic and suicidal. Her mom approached us and pulled out a photo from her purse. It had pictures of her husband, 2 sons and one daughter who were killed when the roof of their home came down on them. She was sobbing and talking to each picture with a piercing moan. She wanted our advice and opinion. She wanted us to find the dead and bring them back to her. I could not bear looking at her hopeless eyes, and burst into tears. I left Bam with a heavy, guilty, hopeless heart. I realized that no matter how much we individualy help others, the power to accomplish something more substantive is not in our hands. Our system lacks management and cooperation and... compasionate leaders. Unless we change our attitudes and culture, we will remain destitute and helpless.

I am amazed at the responses I get from friends. They are all so touched.

I hope everything in the civilized world is going okay with you. Enjoy life and keep in touch.