its a strange feeling. the more u want something, and the more you realize everything is within reach, the more u feel everything. EVERYTHING. anxiety is more intense, laughing is louder, conversations seem more important, people seem more important, music is more penetrating, dancing is less restricted, food tastes better, moments stretch out longer... baaboom baaboom, baaboom baaboom... let it expand!!!! lets c if it bursts...

my hands are shaking...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20051224/lf_afp/afplifestyleusbushtoys;_ylt=
Ag_kaOsDcrwHiUQ4cWGDZQWs0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTA3ODdxdHBhBHNlYwM5NjQ-

and i stir. with anxiety, anticipation, fear, excitment, this hollow feeling of not being able to share all this with someone special, catching glimpse of the failure and the success in the future but not fully seeing it. it all stirs like a bowl of soup slowly simmering and evaporating away inside. is the world realy the way I see it? or is it something else all together!? I have never been so certain about what i know and yet have never been as doubtfull as I am now. i invested too much, not time or money but me. i invested too much of me. its an all new territory. raised my head up and its ready to get chopped off. is that our sanity!? our check on reality?! being able to see things and recognize them as what they are!? a sense of existance, understanding, relating, belonging, acceptance? acting or reacting to reality and what it brings!? evolving?! facing our fears and conquering them!? a heart attack?!? coffee coffee coffee...

the ocean shipment is not getting here til after xmas so had to fly out to hong kong and bring some of the toys back. with sweaty palms i get off the plane this morning with 12 boxes in tow not knowing what would happen at customs. an iranian passport holder, with a green card, importing toys mocking the u.s. president??!?! forget about it. through in 3 minutes. they didn't open a single box. we stash the boxes in the house and i take a sample to one of the stores in the afternoon. she wants to start with 24/units. i walk back to the car and i swear with every step i felt the earth shake under my feet. yet i felt as light as a feather. tomorrow is another day!!!!