There was a naughty boy,
and a naughty boy was he,
he ran away to kalamazoo
the people for to see -

Then he found
that the ground
was as hard,
that a yard
was as long,
that a song
was as merry,
that a cherry
was as red,
that lead
was as weighty,
that fourscore
was as eighty,
that a door
was as wooden
as in tehran -

So he stood in his shoes
and he wondered,
he wondered,
He stood in his shoes
and he wondered.

J. Keats

I found myself on a patch of grass in the park on sunday afternoon. next to me a vintage copy of national geographic I got my hands on recently, but it was just sitting there, didn't feel like reading.
two kids were throwing a baseball back and forth; one was clearly better than the other one. their dad's later started playing with them, one dad was clearly better than the other one. after a few glances around I rested my chin on my knee and stared ahead into the lush green. slowly my mind went blank. not consciously but it just happened that way. at one point it almost felt like I didn't hear anything else that went on around me, it was just me and the trees, swaying to the wind. not sure how long passed before I noticed a flake land on my foot, then another on my arm, two more on the blanket. I was so out of it that for a fraction of a second I thought of snowflakes, but in mid spring? in san francisco??! I looked up and saw tens of pink flakes floating lazily downward. I haven't noticed but I was sitting close to a tree with small dense pink blossoms. as the wind picked up the numbers increased. I dropped back on the blanket with my arms open and my eyes closed, zeroed in on the weight of every flake landing on my skin. one on my right eye, one on left arm, then another, 2 more on my face and on and on. after a few minutes it didn't matter where they were falling anymore, as if I was an open hand collecting alms.

Its a brand new day!!!

me: I am here.
u: but how do u know that?
me: because I'm here.
u: yes, but how do u know that?
me: because! I am here.
u: u think your here?
me: no, I know I'm here!
u: ok. but how?
me: I'll tell u: cuz I'm here.
u: ok fine, but how do you know your here?
me: I told you. because I am here.
u: then am I here?
me: sure you are!
u: how do u know that?
me: because you are.
u: close your eyes.
me: ok!
u: am I still here?
me: yes you are.
u: but how can u be so sure?
me: because without u I wouldn't be here.

forget the whales and the rain forests. forget about dependency on fossil fuels, teenage pregnancy, national health insurance, education, global warming, life on mars, special interest politics, genetic babies, civil rights, hunger in africa, obesity in america, AIDS, peace in middle east and nuclear proliferation in far east.
lets unite and bring back afternoon naps!!

stop and stare
straight ahead
hold your breath
dont blink
swallow
feel the rush of blood
look within
believe what u see
u have to
wrap your mind around this
this is not where!
there is not how!
when is not to be!
why?
cuz its there
in front of u

I'm just tired. My capacity to attention has dipped to a record low. I sometimes think I care less, considering the direct relationship between caring and dissapointment, and its not just work!! but I think I'm just tired. its not even good tired. like if I stayed up all night and finished a paper I'm satisified with, or build a boat with my bare hands!! its empty tired. its drained tired. its put me in the jungle and fly away tired. its flip the switch and turn off the world tired. I want to say fuck it, who cares. would be easy. but I realy dont feel like that. still here!!!
I'm just tired.

she is 5'2. if ever all the species of penguins on this planet were wiped out by a new trend in tuxedo design for kids, the science industry would be able to take a sample dna from this woman and revive the specie. on the second thought maybe they shouldn't or they'll destroy the world!! attack of the killer penguins!!
Its not that I have anything against short people, on the contrary some of my favorite people were short or stocky or both. but this person has a heart of stone and hides behind a smile as if nothing is going on, as if she just didn't layoff a hard working employee with a baby due next month and another on H-1 visa just to cover her failures. I would almost feel better if she was tall and attractive so I could hate her for what she really is inside and wouldn't have these conflicting feelings. I guess it wouldn't matter. then again maybe it does. I dont know!!!!!
last year I was waiting patiently for a parking spot in a crowded street and as the car pulled out and before I could pull in another car went in headfirst. I followed the standard procedure in san francisco and honked and raised my hands in protest (to put it politely). the gentleman got out of the car, took his cane from the backseat and with an angry face pointed to his artificial leg and eventually walked off. my first thought was 'I didn't know!!!!' how I felt was probably very minute with respect to everything he feels during the day and its certainly not my place to judge anyone, but when u get right down to it how or who we are has nothing to do with our outside and rather how we see and treat ourselves, and this translates directly on how others see and treat us. the difficulty of this process is another discussion all together.

'whats love, whats love got to do with it?'
god bless her insured legs but I dont know why this bit has been spinning in my head lately? I haven't woken up to it and as far as I remember didn't read it anywhere or hear it... It probably has nothing to do with anything that I am concerned with right now, or does it? where does that thread that connects the conscious to the subconscious start and where does it end? what is this melody trying to tell me? if anything at all? it is a catchy tune so why can't it be just that? a catchy tune!! it literally has nothing to do with anything that is clogging up my head. I am totally involved with work and currently there is nothing lovable about my job as it seems the long hours and the hard work we have put in the past years is going to hit a dead end and there is nothing I can do about it. just stand by and watch it swirl around til it gets close to the center and disappear. and the emotion with the biggest footprint is not sadness or anger or failure, its disappointment. I was fuzzy on this, I was never good at combing through my emotions anyway, but it has clarified some in the past week. so what does love have to do with it? I didn't love my job to begin with. I wasn't unhappy with it but didn't love it either. it was a paycheck, but somehow it became more than that. it always does. so what does love have to do with it? I'm not even sure if I mean that in a 'LLLLOOOVEEE' sort of way. could it be the dry mouth after a night of drinking? or when u just hear so clearly 'eat some vegetables'!!! am I listening to me? can I efford not to? can the one person that I have to wake up with and walk with and eat with for the rest of my life be dismissed and ignored? ssshhhh...
speak up f!! dont be so vague. forgo the hints and whiffs and catchy tunes, come out with it already.

mordam az bast nafase amigh keshidam!!!