the trip to the corner coffee shop to get an ice coffee and bagle and sit in the narrow strip of land covered with flowers while I catch up on national geographic before I start my sunday cleaning ritual:
as i walked through the trail saw a homeless guy sitting on one of the benches writing on a piece of cardboard with a red marker:

Homeless
American
Plea

he was frozen at this point.

a little boy named brian with blue sweat pants and tucked in stripe t-shirt walked from car to car and pulled on the door handles. mom would repeat: 'brian, dont touch that car, its not your car' and would grab his hand and tug him along only for him to gravitate towards the next car. he eventualy started picking up little wood chips off the sidewalk and with his side to side frankensteinian walk made his way to the closest tree and dropped them on the base. he took his time and executed every step with outmost attention and calmness. as he repeated this process over and over there were 4 other people as me sitting, watching these sequence of events with their hand under their chin and a little smile on their face.

during this silent film two well groomed gentelman approached with their conversation getting clearer as they got closer until it became understanble: 'with these gas prices I have to get an energy efficient car!!'.

its realy funny when your tired and catch yourself off balance. I got home and realized that I brought the network cable home instead of the power chord. think about that. I unplugged the cable from the back of my laptop, then from the hub, rolled it and put it in my bag without missing a beat!!
also driving home I pressed the button to roll down the window but as it was coming down freaked out thinking 'why the hell is the window coming down?' good times....

while I was sleeping...........

next time you walk in a seedy part of town with garbage all over the place and track marks across the sidewalk close your eyes and imagine yourself in a lush garden standing under a jasmin tree in full bloom. take a deep breath.

a happy happy eid to you and your loved ones.

so as it went a typical persian gathering. the first person I ran into was what's her name. we went out for dinner once and I think we had a good time, she laughed so much her mascara was running down her face, I called her the day after and a few days after that with no response!
after doing a double take: 'hiiiiiiiiiiiii'
one of those stretched out 'hiiii's that starts on a high pitch and works its way down in a few seconds. the ones that are accompanied by a wide grin and all 84 teeths in display.
'shut up weirdo!!' 'hey, whats up?'
'I'm fine. how are youuuu? long time!?' (I said whats up, not how are you!!!)
blah blah blah
I dont know!? maybe I could have made an effort to understand her better, god knows what little secrets or hangups she had in her tiny little head? maybe she was a freak? maybe she liked me too much and was nervous? mabye one of the things that wasn't realy important to me was very important to her? or vise versa? maybe she was too emabarassed because of the mascara thing, she had to wash her face half way through dinner, but I though I made it clear that it wasn't a big deal what so ever and I didn't care if she ever wore mascara, that I'll even wear some if it made her feel better and ... what a mess it is.
I took it as face value so whatever..

everyone was hungry so first order was food, kabob (shit, how do you spell kabob? is it kabab? it would be hella embarassing to misspell kabob) to be specific and the line went around the corner. I started walking from the front of line towards the end to spot the first aashnaa to cut in with. saw a very very old friend that for one reason or another haven't spoken to in ages, actualy just a bunch of small reasons. the conversation quickly turned to his brothers health. he was sick and the last I knew he was doing ok. he said during the past few years he has been doing worst and worst and is bed bound at the moment. I felt as if a trailer parallel parked on my chest. we spoke for a little while longer and exchanged phone numbers with promises of keeping in touch. he left to say hello to other people as I talked to another friend I haven't seen in ages aching from her relationship:
'we used to be so good together!! I dont know what happened?'
'he was such a geek when we met.' she said with a nostalgic adoring look in her eyes.
'his pants was all wrong, and his shoes and his hair cut.. u remember I took him shopping and fixed him up? 'look at him' pointing to him across the way as he's flirting with a girl.
'he has changed so much!!'
(he was a jerk then, he is a jerk now, except now he's an arrogant jerk!!)
so it went... with the trailer soro moro gonde in place.
to cut the story short I waited another hour and a half in the line and got to about ten people back from the serving table when they announced they have run out of food, only aash had remained and from what I sampled from friends it was getting more dilute by the minute. by this time the music was turned off, fire was out and most people were gone. we had to stand in another line already formed to get our money back for the tickets we purchased, and yes there was a line for purchasing the tickets. from what I heard there was even a line for jumping over the fire!! I gota go find a line to stand in. something familiar!!

happy 4shanbe soory.

a friend of mine gave me a coldplay cd long time ago but I never played it til a few nights ago. one song had a strong resemblance to one of my verraajies. we even repeat something about the eyes three times. weird!!!! their's rhymes better, but I have to say mine is much better!!

coldplay's:

Look at earth from outer space
Everyone must find a place
Give me time and give me space
Give me real, don't give me fake

Give me strength, reserve control
Give me heart and give me soul
Give me time give us a kiss
Tell me your own politik

And open up your eyes
Open up your eyes
Open up your eyes
Open up your eyes

Give me one, 'cause one is best
In confusion, confidence
Give me peace of mind and trust
Don't forget the rest of us
Give me strength, reserve control
Give me heart and give me soul
Wounds that heal and cracks that fix
Tell me your own politik

And open up your eyes
Open up your eyes
Open up your eyes
Open up your eyes
Just open up your eyes

But give me love over, love over, love over this, I ...
And give me love over, love over, love over this, I ...

rambling of an idle mind:
flow. it doesn't flow! stuff gets stuck in my head, in mid senstence, see?! I can't make a sentence longer that 10 words. what gives? fuck!! I must have typed and deleted one line twenty times. maybe I should take a nap?! the medication cant be without effect! I'll take a nap. but I have laundry to do, promises to keep, goals to achieve, toilet to clean. but right after a nap. cant get a good shine from the bowl if I'm tired and bee hosele(yes I'm trying to convince myself!) there will be time, time for crumpets and marmalade and afternoon tea (rip off from some dead poet). I'll take a nap. but its so nice outside! sunny, the fog just lifted, the tempreature up to about 70, no wind. perfect day. I'll take a nap on the beach. but my knee hurts! can I walk on the sand? what if it shifts? set me back on the rehab? fuck!! I think I'm clinicaly depressed, and I dont have the guts to say that I am or seek help. actualy I think I do but just too damn lazy, same freaking thing!! what am I talking about? its the medication. maybe thats why I like coffee so much these days, its a good counter to the medicine, although lately it has been making me sick, I dont think they mix well. (who the fuck decides where to put a comma and where to put a full stop?! who came up with that rule? I need to take an english class). to make things worst I have to pee, but I'm too lazy to get up, what if I just do it here? right on the recliner? that would show me, but then I have to spend a few hours cleaning it and even then wouldn't be able to get all the smell out. SHIT!!! life is so hard!!!
this feels like a movie I saw once in sundance. it was a french film, the directors name was gaspar or something. it was full of dialogue a man was having with himself. not easy reading subtitles for this movie. after the film I told my friend that I want to be in the directors head for an hour and then for someone to pull me out. later that night the director showed up at our apartment with a mutual friend for some hot cocoa. as I was preparing the hot cocoa in the kitchen I heard my friend say to him 'I want to be in your head for an hour but I want someone to pull me out. ha ha ha'. schmuck! he's still a schmuck!!
I definitely dont want to publish this post. its madness. let this be a letter to me before an afernoon nap. whats up looser? :) that gaspar had balls though, or was just mad!! but what if I just hit the 'post & publish'? one click! thank god I cant while I'm typing. so I figure as long as I'm typing I wont be able to move and click the mouse. but I'm done. dont know what else to say other than to say that I dont know what else to say! son of a bitch!! the mouse is on the 'post & publish'!!? the little pointy bastard has turned into a little tiny hand with the index finger ready to press down on the three dimensional button. almost like its daring me! you think your tough? you little right hand in a white glove? dont you know your just an image? a gif? made by some pimple face graphic designer named jeff? dont u know u have no purpose other than to sit somewhere on my hard drive waiting for the pointy bastard to move above a 3-d object, just so you can pop up and say 'hey, look at me, I'm so cool. I can click the button for you with my index finger. you want me to? ha? ha? ha? you want me to? all it takes is a tap on the pad.' thats right. thats all it takes u stupid .gif. it just takes a click on the pad now. just one click, just hit it, do it, a momentary lapse of reason, fuck it, just... ha ha. forget it. no freaking way.

next time you walk by a jasmine tree in full bloom close your eyes and imagine yourself in a dark alley with garbage all over the place. now tell me u dont smell urine!!

I'll give u a boost
boost of anything u want
I'll excite u
I'll scare u
I'll ignore u
I'll smile and tell you how beautiful you are
I'll frown and tell you how fat you are
I'll pick you up
carry you to the moon
to neptune
to the morning star
then drop you like a feather in vacuum,
I promise I wont support you
I promise I wont nourish you,
I'll handle you with a glove so your thorns wont prick me
I'll stick my fat nose in your bosom and rob you of all your essence
I'll run my coarse fingers through your petals til they all fall down,
I'll break u down
I'll build you up
I'll break u down
I'll repeat this cycle
over and over
til u'r a nervous wreck
til u shun your friends
u'r family
u'r sanity
u'r morality
til u cant think no more
til all u have is me
like a drug,
eventually
I'll leave
leave you
dont worry dear
you'll live
jagged and hurt, changed forever, shadow of yourself
but you'll live.
u see dear
I cant stay
your just not the same!!!!!

but what do you care what I do?
as long as you feel
sad.. happy, stupid.. smart, jealous.. special, confused.. loved, small as a bug.. center of the universe
isn't that what you want?
to feel alive?
you need me!
dont u?
shut up
dont answer that
dont u want that from me?
dont u expect that from me?
please be quick
I have people to do, things to see.

within a structure I call home
there exists an empty corner
no portrait hangs from the walls
no dust ball lingers on the ground
a beam of light escapes through the window
bounces off the mirror
but creates no shadow
no history exists in this corner
its been wiped clean with a rag soaked in pain.

renew, rebirth, spring, call it whatever you want.
its been a busy week. a lot of shit at work and may I add thanks to my stupid bravery our office might remain intact with all employees still employed, for time being. Its a good feeling. I've also had some surgery done which like any other out of ordinary thing has shifted some stuff in my head, for time being. as I sat in the recovery room falling in and out of consciousness with voices and footsteps in the background I kept thinking of how strange life is. how we go along and get along and fall into a routine which in a lot of ways might be necessary for our continuation but by its nature in some ways makes us strangers, procrastinators, robot like creatures. I know it sounds cheesy and we've heard it a thousand times before but I thought what if the last time I saw the people I saw was to be the last time I saw them or the last time I spoke to a friend and so on. and the only thing I wanted to do was to pick up the phone and start dialing til the battery went dead. I wanted to renew or reinforce my connection, whatever it was. a friend or a foe. business or personal. the people and the connections that makes me me, them them, and us us.
It seems to me now like the working of the seasons. within each season there are variables that change from one year to the next but the simple fact remains that the season will come at its due time. spring will arrive, its promise to nature is renewed and the cycle continues. marriage vows, day of our birth, anniversaries, ... days that fall into a routine and are mostly remembered based on habit or obligation but rather should be reminders and reflections of who we are and how we are and what are most important to us.
with that said I'll give a warm greeting to the small circle of friends, new and old, whom I share my thoughts with and them with me. shad, k1, p, wg, nilgoon, and all other friends vocal or silent spread across the globe.

Mokhless.

as for birthdays go it was a pretty crapy one!!
hope the year turns out better...

leather pollini boots polished to a still muddy water shine
pressed gray cotton pants, right length, perfectly aligned
black leather belt with a silver clasp, dead center
sky blue shirt, ironed
close shave
a few more wrinkles across the forehead
the hair line a little further back
but the eyes
they remain the same
same glow reflecting the same image
image of a boy standing among the giants
a boy that picked on the scab on his knee til it bled
a boy that had to worries.
I close my eyes and picture my father
with his pin strip suit and fine teeth comb,
with his hair net, his big smile, crooked teeth, large hands, tired eyes
it's elementary
I open my eyes and find the man that stands before me.