have u ever layed on the hood of your car by the beach with the sun on your left and tracked with your right eye againts the clear blue sky a single engine white airplane with red stripes traveling south until it slowly dissapears over your nose?

neither have I..

I love tea
but I'm a better man on coffee

this morning:
the alarm on my cel phone went off at 8:30 (boss is away and I stayed up watching enter the dragon), I turned it off and went back to sleep.
hovering between the two worlds of fantasy and bills I realized I have to get up.
I rose from waist up and sat up straight.
after a moments pause to remember my place in the world, I grabbed the two lower corners of the sheet/blanket combination and threw them to the corresponding corners of the bed, tucked the top side of the sheet/blanket under my butt and in one motion moved forward and pulled the blanket back. My way of combining the tasks of making the bed and morning exercise.
I moved forward and stepped down to my between the toes flip-flops at the end of the bed. I used to hate those, always felt like they were violating my toes!!!
on the way to the shower I grabbed the towel robe off the door and pressed the power button on the radio, the dial tuned to 88.5 public radio.
turned the hot water on in the tub and with the water running relieved the pressure in my bladder. I missed the bowl some and it splashed a little on my right calf and shin.
stepped into the shower, increased the cold water enough to get a comfortable temperature and turned the knob to transfer the water to the showerhead. the water came down right on my head. When I'm conscious enough and realize the showerhead might be pointing up I take a jump back before the water works its way up the pipe but not this morning. Clearly when I'm not home someone else sneaks in adjusting the head!!
After the shower I stepped back into the violating slippers, toweled off, put the robe on, some anti-perspirent, shaved, brushed my teeth and gelled what hair still remains on my head.
in the way back to the bedroom I threw the underwear I wore last night into the garbage can in the kitchen. I didn’t realize it til I looked but they were worn out and had two big holes where, ehem ehem, the testies reside. I remember last night I felt the cold against my skin as I sat on the hardwood floor trying to get a videotape out of the cabinet.
I grabbed another pair of underwear out of the drawer, put on my jeans and stood in front of the closet deciding what to wear. I should make a decision before I get to this stage, but never do, so end up standing there for 5 minutes.
finally wore a fresh off the boat from iran open neck under t-shirt and a predictable shirt.
Looked at the clock on the cel phone: 9:00 am.
Grabbed the car and house keys off a tulip like wooden/metal structure I got for birthday present a few years ago and head towards the car.
Stopped at the corner coffee shop and got a single latte in my commuter stainless steel travel mug. I like the foam on top . it's like the carbonation of coke when it bubbles up. The foam doesn't tickle the nose though.
Got back in the car, placed the mug in the cup holder and drove around the double-parked van in front of me. As I did came face to face with a speeding truck. Steering wheels turned, tires screeched, horns blew and luckily we avoided hitting each other. I felt the over perspiration in my armpits.
Had too many of these experiences for it to really mean anything or have a lasting effect. Either that or I'm just numb to the consequences. It probably happens a million times every day. a hundred of them don’t end up as a meaningless observation.
I looked at the clock in the dash.
time was 9:05.

its been 4 days since my last confession..

I lied, many many times, mostly white(no animal was harmed during the process).
I gave pork products to some muslim and told them it was beef, white lie again.
I watched a movie, which I've seen before, when I had plenty of work to do.
I lied to my mother, not so white.
I did nothing on a saturday morning, not even rest and relax.
I failed to return phone calls.
I had un-pure, or pure (depending on how you look at it) thoughts about a married woman. she's so waisted on him!!
and the greatest sin of all: haven't been living up to my potential.

my head was warm
the room was spinning
I took the glass out of my neighbors hand
tiped it over a bucket of sand
filled it with my breath
stired it with a fallen middle finger on the dusty ground
and passed it on to the lead man.
I heard a cowardly voice yell
'STICK TO ACTING'
I looked back and saw the punk take off
I yelled back
hey man
dont be a chicken
where u going so zood?
have the courage to step up
but I know you wont last long
this is mr robin's neighborhood.

I reached out and yelled:
'khaanoome sang
gole yakh o bede
to sangy
nothing grows in you!'
when I touched the gole yakh
she started to cry
I dont know why!
was it the warmth of my hand?
did it bring back sad memories of distant unfulfilled dreams?
or the joy that spring brings?
the tears dropped
one by one
they joined the stream
the stream flowed to the river
the river poured in the ocean
all in a fluent downward motion
once there
they lingered for a while
once bored
they vapored under the tuscan sun
met up with the clouds
flirted with the wind
traveled many miles
when cold again
they sat down
pulled their knees into their chests
rained down on a thirsty vine
and 9 years and 9 months later
they were back in my hand again
trapped in a crystal prison
intoxicated by the age of time.

the gole yakh wished for better days
for blue skies and morning rays

and khaanoome sang held in her hands the gole yakh...

salt lake city airport.
sharon stone walking towards boarding gates:
mrs. stone, heading back to san francisco?
yes. how was the weather?
12 degrees, 3 feet of snow..
ha ha..

lightning bolt or electricity?
rollercoaster or marry go round?
wine or beer?
waterfall or lake?
warm nights by the ocean or cold nights by the fireplace?
fame or fortune?
funny or intense?
looks or personality?
big and costly or small and managable?
arrogance or confidence?
sales or technical?

nilgoon's pic is stuck in my head. I can't say exactly what I felt but remember as I sat there thursday night around 11 pm looking at the monitor with news from 2 minutes ago of an earthquake in iran with possibilities of thousand's dead and close to complete destruction of the city, and with goosbumps going up and down my back, I looked desperately around my dimly lit apartment and the only thing there that could hold and comfort me was my sunken couch!!

I got nothing to say. nothing I want you to hear or read or feel at least. I know regardless of how I say it, regardless of how vividly I describe it or eloquently present it you will only feel or understand it with as much importance to you as the fly in the stomach of the pigeon that shit on my car this morning. That’s just the way it is. Comparing, it will move you that much and thats not enough. not today. maybe tomorrow!?! maybe not!?! maybe I'll let it sit there?! I don’t think I have to share it with anyone to know that it actually exists! It’s nice to do that though. u know, share stuff with people u care about, but something’s belong in the khomre, fermenting! this might be one of them!! what if through the process of expression, as it goes through my head and heart and fingers I'm forced to choose words that don't exactly reflect what it really means, and that by itself will change its real understanding for me? and I'll loose it!! what is that theory that we change things even though we're just observing them?! I would hate that. I want to know it just as it is. same shape, same color, same weight, same taste. Maybe Some things are meant to be silent. like the roaring hush of deep underwater currents as oppose to the chriping sound of a shallow creek. maybe that’s what crying is for? when there is so much there and nothing to say it turns into a form of self-expression and instead of the words the tears flow. maybe to get what homer realy meant the odyssey should be pages and pages of tear drops! and i dont mean when we feel the extremes of a certain emotion, but rather thoughts, realization, comprehension, with all senses in full swing. and this could be of anything, could be of beauty, of truth. sometimes I dont understand what I feel, other times I understand what I feel and what I know, and in very few occasions I fully believe it too. so how does one explain that? how do u put it to words? how do u explain the feeling of flight? or birth? or sex with someone u love? is this making any sense?!?
like I said. I have nothing to say.

just as I got to the part in an article of how a british peace activist was shot in the head a co-worker casually walked up complaining about a headache!! so I wrestled him to the ground, sat on his chest and started punching him repeatedly in the face screaming 'YEAH?! YOU HAVE A HEADACHE?!? THAT FUCKING GUY GOT A BULLET IN HIS HEAD. WHATS YOUR PROBLEM? TOO MUCH DRINKING LAST NIGHT!!?! YOU INSENSITIVE, UNGRATEFULL PRICK!!!'

feeling much better now.....

I was lounging on a large couch in my local coffee shop reading 'high fidelity' for the n'th time. its not that I forget the story just I find new things every time I read it. new things that are pretty much the old things but make more sense now. the whole knowing it comparing to understanding it thing.
seated on a round table in front of me were 2 guys and a girl talking shop, database backup, sftp, cron jobs, the usual geek talk I was having last week with a co-worker in a coffee shop similar to this one. they were fairly loud and hard to completely block out. I noticed an older gentleman walking up to them and saying something. I couldn't hear what he was saying but heard the girl in a firm voice say 'sir, we're in a meeting'. I over heard the word 'sorry' a few times within a sentence that was much too long for a quick apology and tracked him with my head down toward the couch as he sat in the opposite side from me with his small frame lost in the corner of the big leather couch. he was from the Asian background but not so much china or korea rather thailand or philippines. he must have been in his 60's. his skin was dark and wrinkled. lips permanently puckered in a 'my eyes are closed and I'm ready for a kiss' pose. he sat with this arms crossed on his chest. he would unwind himself once in a while, lean to the coffee table, take a sip from his cup, set it down and sit back again crossing his arms and observing the crowd. he cleared his throat a few times but not in a disgusting way, rather like when you want to get someone's attention. I knew it was coming.
'do you know anything about computers?' in a muffled accented voice he asked.
I smiled. 'no' and put my head back in the book.
it came out as natural as breathing.
I've been in situations where a 'yes' would get me in a 45 minute one way conversation with my hand on the door knob waiting for a single pause to break away but what if this was the only conversation the guy was going to have all day? I've had plenty good conversations with strangers (we asked a worldly cruise ship coordinator we met in the train in italy of where he thought the most beautiful women are from. He mentioned some small town in Venezuela. I forgot the name off the town!!!!!! )
I was on the same paragraph for five minutes. somewhat of a mind twister I wanted to straighten out but had a hard time concentrating with all this in the back of my head. I made up my mind, turned and just as I was about to say 'do you know anything about computers?' he rocked forward, picked up his cup of coffee and walked to the door. my chance to unravel the meaning of life over a $1.10 cup of coffee on a gloomy sunday evening was gone.
assume god would descend, or ascend, to earth one day in ragged clothes and walk into a coffee shop and decide he would answer whatever question anyone had.
'do you know anything about computers?'
'I know a little. can I help you?'
'no. just testing. I'm god. do u have any questions for me?'
but no one asked any questions because no one wanted to talk to a lonely old man!!
a pretty girl sat down at the same place, smiled and picked up one of the papers on the table in front of us. god wouldn't show up like that!! no irony! I was on to the next page.