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11.27.2003

 
gubble gubble. thanks-giving day is half way done. I usually try to hit one of the soup kitchens in town to help out a bit but my regular place was booked up, no more volunteers needed. these are places that beg for volunteers during the year but get too many during thanksgiving and x-mas. guess the homeless are on vacation when we're not!! ended up at a foundation supported by a church group. Didn’t know that at first but found out soon enough once the pastor started preaching. he got a little political also, support america right or wrong sort of thing. there were people walking around gathering information as name and addresses so the organization could check up on them. the organization opened up a few schools in the neighborhood also. they also delivered around 2000 hot meals to the local neighborhood and we served around 1000 hot meals in the street, and that was the morning shift. more power to them.
as for the experience it’s always something when u find yourself in midst of hundreds of people with shattered lives. Not all were alcoholics, not all were addicts, not all were crippled. One guy at the end while walking out gave me a high five and said 'man that was good. took me through another day.'!! that’s how it was. day by day.
after the first shift we all sat around and swapped stories and had a little turkey lunch ourselves. I didn't stay for the second shift. There were another 200 volunteers for the afternoon shift and didn't want to stand around just to stroke my ego.
before the service began an articulate african american homeless guy walked up and asked us about the schedule. we told him that after they are seated we'll be passing out hot meals and while they are eating the pastor will deliver a service. 'hell no' he said as politely as it can be said. 'I'll appreciate the food you give me but sure hell don’t want to listen to that crap'. As much as I know all they want to do is give hope, and power to them, it got a little dicey for me and a few other volunteers as well. I don’t think hunger and pride have much in common!!

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11.24.2003

 
if I geneticaly modify the desire of a cabbage to of an antelope, will it move?


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11.20.2003

 
my left hand under my chin
four fingers resting on my lip
the sound of computer fan buzzing in my ear
smell of, smell of nothing, it smells like nothing in specific
my neck has a hard time supporting my head
it's stuffed and feels like 500 kilos
1001 thoughts mingling in there
but they'r all drunk
none of them make sense
they talk over each other
some demand more attention
the important ones sit quitely in the background
like little yellow posted notes on the frig
some caffiene would be good
put everyone on attention
ATTEN HUT, army style
further below there is a strange feeling
strange but familiar
not sure if its hunger or anxiety
could be fatigue
whatever it is I dont like it
I wish I could reach in through my throat
grab my heart
and squeeze it out
watch the yellow stuff oooz out through the valves
drip on my shoes
here's what I always do at times like these
close my eyes
and think about tomorrow
if it doesn't look good I'll think about the day after
and the day after, and the day after
until I reach a day when I'm on a beach with my liver
sitting behind her with my legs bend up on her side
my hands locked around her waist
no space between us
my chin resting on her shoulder
I turn my head toward her ear
and whisper
'I got you fit like a broom in a broom closet'
she doesn't turn around
but I know she's smiling
the sun slowly goes down in shame
I lift my chin off her shoulder
and get back to work.

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11.15.2003

 
give me coffee.
give me love.
give me a new thought.
place a seed in the dirt and give me life.
give me a passing grade
a priest with no faith
a mind to illuminate.
give me a mother with too much pain.
a slice of bread
water tainted with lead.
give me power
let it corrupt me
give me a child
let it humble me.
with every passing moment give me time
make it still.
give me silence.
give me liquid.
give me blood
let it drip from my lip
taste it in my kiss.
remove your hands from your ears
open your eyes
give me your hurt
without it I'll become undone.
give me my father
give me my son.
give me a pair of old shoes
out of style
let it comfort my feet.
give me a warm night
a familiar hand
a strange land.
give me will
give me faith
let me know them both in detail.
give me balance.
will all things being equal give me death.
give me kindness
let me see it
dont want to hear it.
give me a stick to lean on
a chair to sit on
a toothbrush to brush my teeth with.
give me rice.
give me my lover on her back
legs apart.
give me a fluent tongue
an open mind
a steady hand
a vision of what to come.
take my inhibition and give me calm.
burn my mouth with a slice of cheese.
give me an evil heart
baste it in wine
sear it in a pan
let it sit to rot.
let me see the look in your eye.
let me see the look in your eye.
let me see the look in your eye.
take away the guilt
give me ignorance
give me bliss.
give me proof.
let me climb the peak.
what do I need with right and wrong if you give me truth.
give me a sense of me.
give me air
a reason to live
a reason to love
a reason to reason.
give me purpose.
and if i ever catch you here again I'll twist your arm and make you
give in
to the everlasting unbearable lightness of being.

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11.12.2003

 
I get a lot of slack about being logical and not acting on every impulse I have. This is what my friend khalil had to say:

And the priestess spoke again and said: "Speak to us of Reason and Passion."

And he answered saying:

Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against passion and your appetite.

Would that I could be the peacemaker in your soul, that I might turn the discord and the rivalry of your elements into oneness and melody.

But how shall I, unless you yourselves be also the peacemakers, nay, the lovers of all your elements?

Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.

If either your sails or our rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.

For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.

Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion; that it may sing;

And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.

I would have you consider your judgment and your appetite even as you would two loved guests in your house.

Surely you would not honour one guest above the other; for he who is more mindful of one loses the love and the faith of both.

Among the hills, when you sit in the cool shade of the white poplars, sharing the peace and serenity of distant fields and meadows - then let your heart say in silence, "God rests in reason."

And when the storm comes, and the mighty wind shakes the forest, and thunder and lightning proclaim the majesty of the sky, - then let your heart say in awe, "God moves in passion."

And since you are a breath In God's sphere, and a leaf in God's forest, you too should rest in reason and move in passion.


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11.11.2003

 
some sob put a mean scratch on my car all the way through the passenger side. my friend, the car will be parked at the same place tonite. put a little joy in your life.

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11.10.2003

 
when I do get to see the architecht he/she better have some answers and it better not be 'you are and always have been a part of me, you were never alone and no matter what u think of me I still love u'.
screw that.

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11.05.2003

 
first time I walked into a theatre in pitch dark and walked out into daylight (see blog from 11/4). usualy works the other way around. one more 'first time'. u gotta love it.

breakfast: two eggs over medium, two pancakes, 2 stips of bacon; crisp and hot tea. yes bacon. save the argument of how can I eat bacon if I'm going to fast (for our non muslim audience, pork is a no no in islam). its a health thing. I got there right on 6am. the theatre was packed. there were 2 seats in the nose bleed section but after walking the dark isles a few times a hand rose up smack in the middle and pointed me to a lone empty seat. you gotta love it.

here comes the possible spoiler, teezer or whatever else you want to call it so stop reading if you dont want any insight into the film. (soft music while u decide if you like to read on). second chance. pause so you have time to stop .................................................................................
third chance. fourth, fifth, last chance. here it comes. Can't give too much away realy. But I can say that the question is always more interesting than the answer.

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11.04.2003

 
its been a while since I've been excited about something but I'm actualy buzzing with aniticipation for the Matrix the revolution. it's right up my ally. all philosophical and irrelevant. logic blogic stuff. the plan is to get up around 5 am, eat something (I'm fasting tomorrow dedicated to a dedicated friend), catch the 5:45 am show and then go to work.

viva zapata.

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